Red Flag London 2012

Red Flag London 2012

I needed time to regroup and recover before I reported back. Now that I have a little distance and clarity I can type a more positive and less negative report. The last date to qualify for London Olympics has passed and I wish I could say that I did get the standard to qualify but I didn’t. After years of training I can only say that I will not be calling myself an Olympian. Saturday was really tough for me but I’m never one to stay down for too long. I debated for a long time whether to share something extremely personally with all of my supporters in this post, I came to the conclusion that yes in fact I should. I’ve shared my dream, hope, desire and success with all of you so it’s only fair that I share my despair and failure. Words are greatly inadequate to describe what I was and still am feeling right now but I did write something down.

I was fortunate that unlike some athlete’s trials to make their national team, my journey was not highly televised. So I was able to operate in relative anonymity during my journey. I want to share my weakest moment with everyone so that it’s a complete picture and it’s a complete story. It didn’t have the happy ending I wanted but hopefully revealing my inner thoughts after my dream failed to become my reality will give insight to those on their own journeys and encourage them to forge on. "Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavour." My successes in life have been littered with failure majority of people just never get to see them understand them. Here is the raw version of what I wrote Saturday immediately after I left the competition runway, gave my numbers away, signed every autograph for the kids that wanted me to, wrapped my hamstring up and sat down to ice down.

Training log 7/7/2012

Shredded, devastated, defeated, today my dream ended. I tried to block out the pain to muscle thru but was unable to. I tried to positive think it away but was unable to. I can’t say it was 4 years down the drain but it definitely feels wasted. When I tweaked my hamstring on Monday this week all I could think of was no way. So I told myself it was a cramp although I couldn’t do much during that week of practice, I told myself I was being safe. It turns out it wasn’t just a cramp. I guess there’s plenty blame for why my body was breaking down the last and most critical month but one fact remains, I left it till too late. I left my fate in someone else’s hand and it cost me. I left qualifying too late, I waited too long. It’s going to take some time to bounce back. But I can honestly say I left it all, everything I had on that runway today. I had nothing left to give. I wanted to take all 3 of my jumps even when I was in pain. I did it, I jogged down the runway and did my last 3 jumps of the season. This wasn’t how it was suppose to be, this wasn’t how I dreamt it but this is how it turned out. As I sit in this medical room, I wanted to capture what I’m feeling. A lot of people supported me and so since I couldn’t reward them with an Olympic medal or even an Olympic appearance, I’m sharing my most guarded possession, my feelings. This stream of conscious writing of my feelings is the best way I know how to share my feelings and thoughts as the reality of my dream ending slips away. It’s very difficult for me to write this, I thought the few tears I shed on the runway were all I had but they were. I’ve never cried because of a competition, but I can barely see as I write this. This is just so painful that these tears can’t be held back. I just want to say thank you to everyone and I’m sorry for failing. The medic lady is coming I can’t write anymore, I’ll write again when I have some time and separation from this.

Now it’s Monday morning, Sunday I travelled back from competition and hung out with my teammates since several of us came up short it was an unspoken rule that we just move on and not rehash what just happened. I spoke with my family and saw them on video, I announced that I didn’t make it and we just spoke about other things for the whole time. My nieces and their shenanigans cheered me up and then I was ready for bed. Now with the clarity of a new day and a new chapter I’m ready to move forward without looking back with regret. I wanted to represent Haiti in order to inspire and motivate the younger generation; I will and can still do that. I wanted to go to the games and become an Olympian going thru the journey as a Haitian athlete so I can get firsthand experience on the journey for the people I was trying to inspire, I got that experience and am more motivated than ever to change the system everyone following me  will have an easier path than me. I wanted to represent Haiti at the Olympic Games so that everyone could see Haitians are more than just poverty, I won’t be there but I have 4 great teammates (Moise Joseph-800m, Samyr Laine-Triple jump, Jeff Julmis-110H and Marlena Wesh-200/400m) that I trust to represent our flag to the fullest. I am not an Olympian but the journey of an Olympic hopeful which I experienced these past 4 years are priceless for me. I came here on one mission and discovered another that I will gladly take up in order to fix a systemic problem which hindered most of us representing Haiti. Coach and I always had a 5 year plan thru 2013 so I’m going to take some time to heal physically and mentally then I will get back to training world Championships in Moscow. As for the systemic issues Haitian athletes face on their journey to become elite athletes that I will save for another post, but rest assured I will be part of the solution.

So London Games is a wrap for me but I want to thank everyone who believed in me, who supported me and cheered me on during this journey. Your support meant the world to me, especially in such a solitary sport like track and field. This is the end of this chapter of my life but definitely not the end.  Look out for Team Haiti we are coming.